Bill's Smokefree Page

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To the Poem for the QUIT Smokers Page

playing: "I will always love you" - Sequenced by Gus Rulez (Italy)

This is the Story of TillieToiler

Continuation of The TillieToiler Page 1

Please be patient, this is a true story from an very beautyfull person and she died on us because of Smoking, please take heart, - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -you might want to keep a hankerchief handy...

Quit date 4/23/2001

Birthday 10/17/1933

More about me
Why do I want to go through the agony of stopping smoking? Well, about 28 years ago, I watched my beloved father die because of Emphysema; watched him cough until I thought he would burst a blood vessel in his head; watched his struggle for air as he tried to walk just a few feet from his recliner to the dining table; watched him suffer heart attacks until a stroke finally killed him! Was that enough to make me stop smoking? Of course not!
Then, in January, 1999, my sister Louise had surgery - for lung cancer. Between then and her death in July, 2000, she went through two sessions of radiation and one chemotherapy treatment. Why one? Because she reacted to it and almost died. Because she only agreed to it in the first place because she wanted to live to see her 50-yr-old daughter graduate from college in the spring of 2001. In December, 1999, we buried her youngest son (age 39) (yes, he too was a smoker) who had died of cancer! Early July, 2000, she told me she was only trying to hold up thru the wedding of a granddaughter on July 15. She died on July 30th!! She was my best friend and close companion. Did I stop smoking? Well, of course not! I had stopped for 75 days early in 2000 and for 73-74 days in mid 2000. Blew it both times!
My addicted mind told me I couldn`t go through the agony of her death and the resulting grief without "my friend," the cigarette, even tho my mind also knew that it is no friend! Several times since then, I have attempted to stop - without success. I have been living with a daughter and her family (husband & 4 wild kids) for a year now; daughter and hubby both smoke (she is a chain-smoker). It has been impossible for me to stop under those circumstances BUT next week, I will be moving into an apartment and living ALONE again!!! I can hardly wait. Watch out, Nicodemon. You`re going to be history!!!
So, Newbie, if you are reading this, STOP SMOKING if you haven`t yet or KEEP THAT QUIT if you have stopped. You see, it is really too late for me to stop smoking and save any amount of life. I already have had surgery for Squamous Cell Carcinoma (lung cancer) May 11, 2000; I have severe Emphysema; I have heart trouble. I am on continuous oxygen, take 11 medications each and every day, and use a nebulizer for breathing treatments every four hours that I`m awake. So, stopping smoking will not prolong my life; however, it will make the end a little more comfortable by reducing my cough.
Please, please don`t let my struggle be in vain. If this message helps even one person successfully stop smoking, whatever I go through will have been worth it! Projected new quit date is Monday, April 16th. See you then!

Tuesday, April 10, 2001
Trying to pack my belongings in preparation for the move on this coming Saturday. What a laugh! Can`t breathe well enough to be able to do much at a time. Work 3 minutes and rest for 5, trying to get my breath back! AND I probably won`t quit before April 23, 2001. Won`t have the money for some necessaries until the 20th and I hate to try to quit midweek (why, I don`t know). Just know, Newbies who might read this, that this move would be a WHOLE LOT EASIER if I could breathe and my breathing will be MUCH easier once I have been quit for a few days.
Oh, almost forgot! I wanted to tell anyone who might look here to see where I am - my computer will be disconnected on Friday, April 13th. My new ISP won`t be effective until 2-3 weeks AFTER I move! So I will be out of commission for a while. But I`LL BE BACK!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
MONDAY, APRIL 23, 2001 @ 5:50 a.m.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I am awake now on the first day of my quit. I`ve been having pain in my back which may be caused by that right lung. Oh, well, as I`ve said before, stopping smoking at this stage will NOT prolong my life but will make it easier on the folks around me. I`ve got all of the ashtrays soaking so I can clean them later and put them away. There are NO cigarettes in the house and I don`t feel like going to get any.

Sunday, April 29, 2001
Today is my seventh day; the last day of Hell Week and I`ve not had even one puff since I began this quit. Oh, it hasn`t been a piece of cake but, with God`s help, we are doing it! I have found that one of my best weapons is DELAY. When I think I want a cig, I tell myself to wait; I don`t want to go get any right now. Maybe later. But, so far, "later" hasn`t arrived.

Saturday, May 19, 2001
This next Wednesday will be my one-month anniversary. It is really hard to believe it has been that long. The urges have been minimal and I can`t really say that I have had any cravings. This has amazed me but, when I stop to really think about it, it is perfectly explainable. My younger brother has been telling me that Jesus would take away those cravings if I would but ask. At bedtime on April 22, the night before I quit, I prayed for God`s help with this quit and told Him that I was laying it all at His feet. Then, I dedicated my quit to Him. So I KNOW it is God working in my life and for that, I praise Him. Without Him and the people here, I couldn`t begin to do this. Furthermore, my youngest daughter, Debbie, has quit this morning. She is really determined to make it stick and, for some reason, I believe she will this time.
In the 28 days since I started this quit, I am breathing a whole lot better and the doctor told me to stop using the oxygen unless I was doing something energetic and get really short of breath! It is a wonderful feeling to be free of that tubing and free of nicotine. The day may come when I will have to return to it (oxygen, that is) but it won`t be because of nicotine!! Don`t know what will happen when that day comes because I am allergic to plastic! It didn`t bother me TOO much for almost a year because, when I smoked, I took off the oxygen. When I quit smoking, I just left the tubing on, almost 24/7. That was when the toxins built up in my body to the place that my head was so full, I could hardly stand it. Feeling pretty good now.

May 23, 2001
It is hard to realize it was a full month ago that God took away my desire for nicotine. My brother told me He would so I asked Him to and dedicated this Quit to Him. It worked so....
Yesterday, I spent the money saved by not smoking this past month (and many more to come). I ordered a new computer, one with more of everything as well as a wireless keyboard and mouse and my first scanner. It should be here by this time next week and I`m just like a kid (at 67? Yeah, right) anticipating Christmas.
Have I had any cravings or urges? I can truthfully say I`ve had no cravings and very few "urges." So it can be done. This is not my first quit but it will be the LAST! I do want to make one thing clear, though. Don`t get the wrong idea. Without the Q, I am doubtful that I would have made it and I will continue to need the support, love, and encouragement that is so freely given here. Many thanks to my wonderful friends in the Qmmunity.

Saturday, June 23, 2001
Gosh, it has been a month since I`ve been in here. Today, I have been smoke-free for two months. My health continues to deteriorate but.... The pain in my back I previously referred to is from a compression fracture; yes, I have Osteoporosis and am taking a drug called Fosamax. It should rebuild my bones within the next year and a half. In the meantime, I must be very careful because a broken hip would be fatal for me. But, again, I have put this in the hands of my Lord and Savior to do as He pleases.

7/2/01
Today is Day 70 for me and this seems to be a crucial time. Never have figured out why but last year, I blew two great quits after reaching day 70 (75 one time and about 72 the second). Tonight is about the worst night I have had in a long, long time. It is 1:50 a.m. and I CAN NOT SLEEP! I have a cough that threatens to strangle me (I believe it is caused by my allergies because I was at Deb`s today and she had aromatic candles in the living room). So everytime I go to bed, the cough starts up. Now the nerves in my left leg are jumping (like frog legs in a hot skillet) and I had to get out of bed again! I don`t care! I will NOT smoke!!! I know the cough will decrease in a couple of days if I continue to take my decongestants and, if I don`t get any sleep tonight, I`ll just sleep tomorrow. I`m retired and can do that if I want to. So I`ll just go with the flow.

Sunday, July 8, 2001
I`ve looked forward to this day for quite some time. THIS IS MY LONGEST QUIT EVER!!! Early last year, I blew a quit at 75 days. Today is Day 76 on this quit. I`m being very cautious because I don`t want to become over-confident. However, I AM confident that I will not smoke again, EVER!

Tuesday, July 24, 2001
Yesterday I reached the three month milestone!! I just wish I could have celebrateed like I wanted to. For some odd reason, all I could do yesterday was sleep!! I am conferencing with my cardiologist by email about another surgery he feels I should have. UGH! Don`t know if yesterday was a result of the problem or not. I have a closed artery in my left shoulder and the cardiologist says it is "stealing blood from my brain." So I`ll probably have the surgery; just don`t know when. I`m due for a follow-up CT Scan because of the lung cancer and I won`t have this surgery until that has been done. I mean, after all, why have surgery if the C is back. No, I don`t feel that it is but....

Friday, August 24, 2001
That last sentence wasn`t completely true. For several days prior to the CT Scan on 8/22, I had the most dreadful feeling that the news wouldn`t be good. I guess my body recognized what my mind didn`t want to accept. I told my daughters that, if I didn`t get a call from my doctor by late the next afternoon, I would be hopefully optimistic about the results. Well, no phone call came so I almost relaxed. On Thursday morning of this week, I called my doctor`s office to get a copy of the results to take with me to the cardiologist and was told my doctor wanted to see me. You know? It was almost a relief to be told the cancer is back; it is always the not knowing and the waiting that is the worst and I knew that, for a woman with Squamous Cell Carcinoma, a year is the long term prognosis. I`ve had 15 months so far. I will be consulting with an Oncologist on Monday and will learn more then. I do know that the mass is high up in the right lung and that radiation will not cure but only slow things. But I don`t think I will have the radiation because of the damage it will do to my espophagus and possibly heart. I am more interested in the quality of life than the quantity. I just hope that anyone reading this will realize that it CAN happen to them and that this will help them to quit or to maintain their quit before it is too late.

Friday, September 7, 2001
On Monday, August 27, I consulted with the oncologist who gave me all the facts and figures; what radiation would and would not do for me and to me. I asked how long I could live if I had the radiation and he told me that 15% of the patients who have radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks may live up to 2 years. The test results had stated that there was either swelling of the esophagus wall or Lymphadenopathy so I asked him what he thought. He said he would bet on the Lymphadenopathy and that it is causing pressure against the esophagus which was causing minor difficulty in swallowing. Then I asked how long I would have to live if I did not have radiation. He said "6 months or less." Knowing what radiation can do to a person [I saw my sister go through it] and knowing that it would further damage the esophagus and probably the right side of my heart which is already damaged, I said NO RADIATION!
So I am now in the care of Hospice and have made preliminary arrangements with the funeral director. My daughters are having a rough time with this but they said it was my decision and they agreed with me. I just can`t see prolonging the agony for them or for me. My Lord and Savior will see me thru this and I will again see my beloved sister.
Please don`t feel sorry for me. I refused to stop smoking many years ago when I was told I had Emphysema. I just want my story to help other people quit or to maintain their quit. We all tend to think "Oh, it won`t happen to me" but it CAN and very well MAY! So, please, if you have quit, stay quit. If you are only thinking of quitting, do it now; not tomorrow! You don`t know if the next sick stick you light will be the ONE!

Sunday, Sept. 23, 2001
Five months ago today, I stopped smoking, never dreaming then that the big C was coming back. Oh, how quickly things can fall apart! Not complaining, mind you; just thinking about how fast life can change. As for my condition, people find it hard to believe that I`m having no pain; at least, not yet. I am gradually getting weaker and find it difficult to walk any great distance. I am also becoming more short of breath and am again on oxygen 24/7. A party of us are planning a trip to St. Louis on October 5th and I`m going to need to figure how much oxygen it will take because it will be a long day! We`re going to see John Edward in case any of you have seen his TV show, Crossing Over, or may have heard of him. Should be interesting. Withoutmerit and jkay had a snailmail campaign for me recently and the number of cards I`ve received has been great! I so much appreciate each and every one of them!! I`ve tried to qmail each person who has sent a card to thank them but, if I have overlooked anyone, I apologize. T these cards and the thoughts expressed are very heartwarming to me. Each and every card is displayed in my living room for all to see but most importantly for me to see and remember that the Qmmunity is made up of very warm and caring people.

Thursday, October 11, 2001
In the aftermath of the attacks on America which occurred one month ago today, I haven`t been in here to update about my trip to St. Louis. Boy, what a fiasco!! He (John Edward) is just another fraud!!!
I am beginning to have days when I can`t seem to do anything but sleep. Yesterday was one of those; the Hospice nurse says it is part of my illness and I got the impression that these kind of days will gradually increase. Think I`ll just "sleep my life away?" I really doubt it but, if that is what my Lord has planned for me, that`s ok, too. I am still pain-free and find that hard to believe but am told that some people with lung cancer don`t have any pain.

Wednesday, October 31, 2001
Well, today the Hospice Nurse told me that, in her considered opinion, I will probably require 24-hour a day supervision within the next month to month and a half. Since I only have two daughters and they both have families and jobs, that means the nursing home. Que sera, sera! Whatever will be, will be, The future`s not ours to see, Que sera, sera! What will be, will be!
I`m just gradually weakening and getting shorter of breath but as long as I can pretty well take care of myself, I will remain at home! After all, I can`t lose touch with my Qmmunity until I absolutely have to. I love the people here so much and they are so good to me. Maybe I can get Jane, my daughter who does not smoke, to come in here periodically and let someone know how I`m doing. I`ll have to talk with her about it when the time is nearer. Right now, she has enough on her plate.

Friday, Nov. 2, 2001
Boy, am I confused or what? First, Hospice says they will be coming to see me 3 times a week and that I`ll probably be in the nursing home within a month/month and a half. They wanted the CNA to come in 5 days a week and, taking me off Wellbutrin, started me on Celexa! Today, all of that changed!!! Now they are putting me back on twice a week with the RN and the usual 3 days a week with the CNA. When I took the one and only Celexa at noon yesterday (as instructed), it really did a number on me. So I told them today, I will not take it and will go back to the Wellbutrin. They agreed. Sometimes I wonder if the right hand just doesn`t know what the left hand is doing?
Anyway, I feel really good today and am looking forward to the weekend with my kids and grandkids. As for the nursing home, I really don`t think I am that close to needing one. But I just take one day at a time and try to do God`s will. Whatever He wants for me!

Tuesday, Nov. 13, 2001
Well, last Friday, I was started on Morphine - no, not for pain! I have none! They started me on the very lowest dosage possible because it will assist me in breathing. I was really having a lot of trouble trying to breathe. But to make a long story short, we have the dosage adjusted now to where I believe it will work; at least for now. I take 30 mg every 8 hours and my breathing is pretty good (plus I`m not wanting to sleep all the time). Jane is in and out constantly and is beginning to take care of my meals for me. The lymphadenopathy is putting a little more pressure on the esophagus now and is causing a little more difficulty in swallowing; especially meat. Oh, boy, now I can have all the "junk food" I want; ice cream, milk shakes, puddings, etc. PAY ATTENTION, NEWBIES!! This might very well be your fate so STOP SMOKING - NOW!!

Friday, Nov. 16, 2001
Guess I spoke too soon about the morphine dosage. We have had to increase the bedtime dosage and I am sleeping more and more. Sometimes it is all I can do to just sit here long enough to start the bonfire. But as long as I can do that, I WILL! I refuse to give up yet!

Thursday, December 13, 2001
My name is Jane. I`m Tillie`s oldest daughter. I`ve cared for Mom pretty much for the last 3+ months since her terminal diagnosis. Today had to be the hardest day yet. I went to her apartment early because my sister had to stay with Mom last night. Mom was too weak to even put herself to bed. When I got there, the first thing that was said was "It`s time to go to the nursing home". It was really hard to think, much less try to put everything together and call everyone to find out what we needed to do, etc. We left mom that evening thinking we would have more time. The last thing she told Debbie was "I`m never going to get out of this bed again". We left with a heavy feeling in our hearts.

Friday, December 14, 2001
I go to Mom`s apartment to get her beloved puter so that she can continue to be a part of the beloved Qmunity. Before I complete the task I receive a call from my sister who is at the nursing home. "Don`t bother with her computer" she says. "You need to get here now". All the way I was wondering if I would make it in time. When I walked in I didn`t know what had happened. It was like she was totally not there. I know that doesn`t make sense, but she wasn`t there anymore. At least not mentally. I really believed this would be it.

Thursday, December 27, 2001
Today, our mother, Mary J. Merrey (aka TillieToiler) passed away. It is exactly 4 months to the day that we received the terminal diagnois of 6 months or less. It is exactly 2 weeks to the day since she entered the nursing home.

To all you NEWBIES!!!! Please read this profile carefully and do not put your families through the despair that we have encountered over the last couple of weeks. Let me tell you about my mother`s death. I was alone with her in her room at the nursing home. I set there quitely for 2 hours before I finally realized maybe something was wrong. It looked like Mom was still breathing but she was on her side and her breathing was getting more labored. I stepped out to the nurses station to ask when Mom was due for more pain medicine. I was told it could be anytime. When I asked about her last vitals, the RN said she would have to ask the girls (meaning the CNAs, bless their hearts). "The girls" came in and took Mom`s temperature. It was 105. I knew right then. I called my sister - told her to come but be careful. I called my cousin who is also like a sister. She said she`d be right out. No one made it in time. I went back to the room and they rolled Mom over. BELIEVE ME it is a picture I will never EVER forget. Ap parently my Mom had died several minutes before I even thought anything was wrong. The quilt I feel for not holding her hand, for not calling someone, for not doing SOMETHING is something that I have to live with daily.
PLEASE if there is someone you love, give up this nicodemon. It will kill you. I don`t know if this is appropriate or not, but I thought I would take the liberty of updating Mom`s profile for her. I know she would want everyone to know how much she really suffered, how much we suffered and the lingering suffering and loss we will feel for a very long time. We all love our mom and our grandmother and she will be missed forever.
MAY GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU ON THE Q!!!!! KEEP THE FAITH AND THE QUIT!

Jane (sons Aaron and Samuel Debbie (sons Joe, Justin - daughters Danielle, Chelsey) Dan (son Joshua) THE FAMILY OF MARY J. MERREY 10-17-33 to 12-27-01
2/11/02
The pain continues. I thought it would get easier, but it doesn`t. My 6 year old today came home with a journal they were keeping in kindergarten. On one page was a picture of his family. I asked him who they were. He looked at me like I was stupid. One was dad, one me, one bubba (big brother), one him (Sammy) and one grandma (aka TillieToiler). She had wings. I lost it. Then we had to draw angels all night. His teacher says he`s really had a hard time since returning from Christmas vacation (Mom passed away 2 days after Christmas). My sister`s youngest daughter is also having trouble copeing. Why do people keep smoking when they know the heartache it will eventually cause? Sorry, don`t mean to preach. But this saddness will never go away. It is so hard to deal with. I miss my mom so much - I never thought it would hurt so much. There are days where it is hard to keep going. Then I log on to the Q and I read how much she has helped everyone and I realize maybe her death was not in vain. Maybe it would help s ome one else not to have to suffer this kind of anquish. Thanks to everyone who keeps Qmailing mom even though she`s not here. I check her messages as often as I can. (((((LOVE))))))) to all.

2/27/02
It`s been 2 months since our mom passed away. It`s still very hard almost every day. Debbie, the youngest of us kids, wrote this poem last week. I wanted to share it with everyone.

WITHOUT YOU

Mary J. Merrey
10/17/33 - 12/27/01

I feel so lost, so lonely
without you here with me.
I never knew what I`d be like
when it`s you I cannot see.
I wish that I could go back
in time when you were here,
`cause then I wouldn`t be living
with this constant fear.
I fear of being alone now
with no one left to see
the person I am becoming
or the child left in me.
The child that`s within me
screams out so hard & long,
"I miss you my Sweet Mother
I still can`t believe you`re gone".

2-17-02
Debra Merrey-Meyer

April 1,2002
I'm the youngest daughter, Debbie,aka(angeleyes), I like Jane thought the pain would get easier as time goes on but it isn't. I can't eat much, and don't sleep much at all. I miss her so much. She is now in Heaven and is all of our Q angel. She will watch over us and comfort us and give us encouragement, if we let her. It's been a little over three months since we lost her and it's time for me to do something in memory of her. I am going to quit smoking for this lady right here. I do not want my children to go through what I went through. I will do it, and if I don't succeed I will try, try again. So, Mom, if you can see this, your life was not in vain, you have helped many people and now you will help me also. I love and miss you.
God Bless each and everyone of you here on the Q, it was thanks to all of you that Mom was able to do what she did. I love you all.

April 23, 2002
Dear Mom: I wanted to let you know how proud of you I am on your 1 year quit. I know how hard this was on you, but you beat that nicodemon!! You never let it get the best of you even through the toughests of time and boy did we have some tough times!!!
It's unreal how much we miss you. If someone had told me a year ago that I would miss you this much I would have told them they were nuts. Oh we had our disagreements and at times we didn't get along. I'm sorry that I didn't take the time to get to know you better when I had the chance. It seems like people always wait until it's too late and then they try to make amends. I know that's what I did, and I wish I could do it over. I would look at things differently. I wouldn't wait until the doctor said "You have less than 6 months to live" before I started taking care of you. I should have been doing that for several years since you retired. I know you were independent and wouldn't let me, but I could have tried. I could have taken the time to listen to your stories, to listen to you sing the songs you wanted to sing. Now I long to hear your voice; hear you tell a joke; sing a song.
You've been gone almost 4 months, but your proudest accomplishment is that you went smoke free. We are all so very proud of you. I just wish you were hear so I could tell you. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!
Jane

--------------------------------------------------------
May 12, 2002
Dear Mom,
It's Mother's Day and has been the worst 2 days since your death. I miss you so much. Going with Mike to get his Mom flowers and stuff was awful becuase I don't have you anymore. I wish that you were here with me singing "The Sweetest Gift" together like we use to or just sitting and listening to you talk about the "old times". I love you Mom, and I miss you. We all do. I write here in your journal because this was your greatest accomplishment and is so helpful to me to be here and to read your profile over and over. I love you, Mom.
Love,
Deb

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June 12, 2002
It's been almost 6 months since mom has passed. I'm really surprised at how quickly it has gone by. A lot has happened in the family and I really miss her more than ever. (I'm not the oldest child, but I'm the oldest daughter and so I guess a lot falls on me.) We used to call each other just to talk about things that we wouldn't talk to others about and I really miss that. I try to keep things going, but it's hard. It seems like everything/everyone is falling apart since Christmas. I'll be glad, in a way, when this year is over. Like Deb and I have said each year, maybe this year will get better but it doesn't. Well, hopefully next year!!!!!! Miss you Mom!!!! And I really do love you.

Jane
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June 27, 2002
WOW, it's been 6 months since you left us. It seems like it's ONLY been 6 months and then it seems like it's been 6-6-6-6-6- months (time just drags). There are still good days and bad. I've gone through an angry time of my mourning. How could you have left me with all of this to take care of???? I remember you saying "Oh Jane can take care of it after I'm gone" and I thought yeah I'll take care of it. Now I'm thinking why didn't I take a stand then and say no - take care of this now. Not thinking how much grief I would be in, I thought I could deal with anything. Well, guess what Mom, I'm not superwoman and I can't take care of everything and everyone. I've tried but I can't. Today, Sammy was supposed to have dental work done and he was to be put under. I couldn't have it done today because it's the day you passed and I'm superstitious that way. I had to reschedule. I miss you terribly. I had trouble with my bankbook the other day and I wanted to call you because you always helped me straighten it out. I had to do it myself!!!!! It took me awhile, but I got it done . You were much faster at doing it than I. Well, gotta go Mom. I love you!!!
Jane
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8/18/02
Today's my birthday!! 45 years old. I used to hate the fact that you still treated me like a little girl and would make me a cake every year. But this year I woke up to the fact that I wasn't going to get that call from you wishing me happy birthday in your cheery voice and bringing over my birthday cake and singing happy birthday. I'd give anything to hear your voice again - it wasn't a very happy birthday.
--------------------------------------------------------
Mom,
It`s been 9 months since you left us, sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes it seems like it was 2 years ago. I miss you so much. Things have been so different since you have gone. I am so different.
I am really dreading the Holidays this year, it just won`t be the same without you here. However, you will be in my heart and mind and I know that you will be with us all in spirit. I love you.
Love,
Deb

October 17, 2002
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!!! I miss you and I love you. I know you were looking over my shoulder yesterday, I could smell you (and I don`t mean that in a bad way). Don`t worry, I didn`t forget your birthday!!!!! (I always got the date of Mom`s birthday wrong - was either a day or two early or late. She always teased me about it.) I wish I could pick up the phone to wish you a wonderful day, but I can`t. So have a wonderful day and someday we`ll be together again. Love, Jane
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Happy Birthday Mom!!! I know that you are in Heaven and looking more beautiful than ever but I wish you were here so that I could give you a b`day hug, but I can`t so here is a cyber hug(((((((((((((((MOM))))))))))). I love you and miss you so much but I pray that you and grandma, and Aunt Louise are celebrating your day in a very special way. Love, Deb aka(tilliesgirl)

October 23, 2002. Happy 18th month quit, Mom. We`re really proud of you!!!! I know you`ve been watching over me, MOm, and I know you know what I`ve been going through. I hope you keep watching over me the next couple of weeks as I go through these tests. I hope your presence doesn`t mean you`re expecting me to join you soon just that you`re here to protect me. Please protect me. I`m scared. I picked up the phone to call you tonight because they announced that they had released the 1880 census online!!! We had fun doing genealogy together and that is a big step. I hope in a couple of months I`ll be able to do some research on it. But for now I`ll just say I love you and I miss you and I hope I won`t see you TOO soon, but if so it`ll be a wonderful party.
Jane

A SPECIAL ANGEL

I am so blessed to have had you for a Mother.
You were always there whenever I needed you.
Your patience and kindness made a difference in my life.
You taught me well.....

in the everyday things I do and say.
I know somewhere out there an angel watches over me,
and I know in my heart, that angel is you.

The spirit and love, within the heart, never dies.
It lives on forever through the people we love.
Your spirit and love lives within my heart.
I loved you then, I love you now, I will love you forever...

Shari1999�

Continuation of The TillieToiler Page
Back to the Entrance Page
- - - My Quit Smoking Roster Page - - -
Hellweek and Beyond

Anyone who wishes to leave a message for the TillieToiler Story is welcome to do, so I will post these messages here for all to see and may the Good Lord have mercie on her for she is now in heaven where she belongs.

I thank you all that came to visit this page and I know how bad the NicoDemon can be... Please, fight him because you can make a difference in Quitting... God bless

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