Bill's Smokefree Page

Page 3 of 13

*** The Continuation of the TillieToiler Story, those that loved her and those that understand her *** may the Good Lord help her family in these days of crisis.

Nov. 17, 2002
Well it`s that time of year - the time of year we`ve all been dreading. The holidays. The first holidays since Mom passed away from lung cancer. We`re trying to decide what to do for Thanksgiving and no one really seems too interested. I imagine some of us will gather at my house. Then we have to face Christmas. Really not looking forward to that one. Mom passed away 2 days after Christmas last year so this year is really going to be a bitch. Our first year without her (even though she was in a coma last year). Debbie`s kids will really have a hard time. They used to have her (and before her, Grandma) stay all night on Christmas eve so that she would be there on Christmas morning to watch them open their gifts. Man, how things have changed in the past year. Everytime I see someone smoking I wish I could play the video that replays in my head of the weeks before Mom died. I wish they could see what she went through and what we went through and still go through daily. I wish - ----- I wish my mom was here.

Jane

November 23, 2002
-- Mom, wow another anniversary!! You would have been 19 months smoke free. I wonder what we would be doing right now. Saturday night with something really special to celebrate. I like to think how healthy you would have been and the things you always wanted to do but couldn`t because of smoking. Let`s see, we could have maybe gone to a concert (which we could never do because you couldn`t walk that far without getting out of breath because of the cigs) OR we could have gone shopping or travelled somewhere. It was hard for you to do anything until you gave up the cigs and then the cancer slowed you down. Now I can see you running all over the place in Heaven and doing all the things you wanted to do and wished you could do. Have a great time Mom!!!! I love you!
Jane

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Nov. 27, 2002.
The pain we still feel everyday, especially days like today (11 months today), is tremendous. Tonight, while I bake pies and get ready for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, I`ll listen to a tape she was recording as she sat and waited to die, a tape of music, and I`ll cry. They`ll be happy tears and sad tears. I wish I could have her here but I`m glad she`s no longer struggling to breath, walk or just talk. She`s singing glorious songs now and looks beautiful. And she`s happy!!!! For that, I`m grateful.
Jane
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Mom,
It`s the evening of Thanksgiving and I really miss you! I am so lonely without you. Christmas is coming up and I don`t have you or Grandma to stay all night with me to watch the kids open their presents. I hate it!!! I hate feeling so alone!!! You were my best friend and my mom and I hate that you are not here to celebrate Christmas with me!!!!!!! I love you, Mom.
I hope that you are celebrating in a very special way up in Heaven. I know that you are, so please tell Grandma and everybody, ` I Love Them and I Miss You All so Much!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love,Deb
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12/7/02
I`m going to be a grandma!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, I`m not ready for that. That means you`ll be a greatgrandma for the first time. Oh man, you would have been so proud of that! I know you know all of this, but I wish you were here to share this with me.
Jane
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' Mom,
It`s only days 'til Christmas and I am not ready for it. Of course the kids are excited but they miss you, especially Joey. He is really going to have a hard time Christmas morning when you won`t be there to watch them open their gifts. I will make sure that they understand that you are in Heaven celebrating alot better than we are because you are right there with Jesus on his Birthday, there couldn`t be a more special place to be on the day of His birth. I know that Jane and I will cry but that is more for us than you. I will try to help Jane through this Holiday and try to help her understand that you are in the most wonderful place you can be on Christmas Day! I love you and miss you also, but I will try to be strong for you and my kids because I know that you would not want me crying in front of them on Christmas for fear of ruinning the holiday for them but I will be honest enough to say that when I am alone I will probably cry my eyes out. Have a wonderful Christmas Mom as I know you will.
Deb
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Dec. 22, 2002
Everyone is telling me to concentrate on the birth of Jesus and my kids to get through this Christmas but I miss you so much.
I am so use to having you here on Christmas Eve that I don`t want to face this holiday at all. I don`t know what to do without you! I was listening to the song, `Have a Merry Little Christmas` at Taco Bell, Friday and started crying right there in the restraunt! I know that i am suppose to be strong for the kids and Mike, etc. but I can`t do it. I just simply can`t hold these feelings in anymore. I am sorry but I just can`t be the strong one anymore, I feel as if I am going to explode with emotion and I don`t like it. I don`t feel like I can let go of my grief in front of anyone because they will think I am overreacting, like my `x` did when Grandma died. I try to talk to you and to pray to God that He will help me with my pain but right now nothing is doing any good. Well, I guess God is helping or I wouldn`t be able to sit here and write to you. Right? I bought Mike`s Mom some chocolate covered cherries today since you aren`t here to buy some for you, like I did every Christmas. Do you remember the Christmas I bought cherries for you and you choked on one, and I thought I was going to have to call the paramedics? I was so scared that night!!! I thought I was going to lose you right then and there because of your love for chocolate covered cherries! You always were a glutten when it came to them. Well, Mom, I had better go. I love you and I miss you so much.
Love, Deb
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MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOM!!!!!!
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12-27-02
One year ago this evening, Mom died from lung cancer. I can`t believe how fast this year has gone, but the pain of that evening is still very fresh. I know I need to move past it, but I still feel guilty and angry for being the only one there. I`m angry at the nursing home and at Hospice. I really believe things could/should have been handled differently.
I believe she could have died with a little more dignity and with more loving family around. They could have/should have known that she was in the last stages of dying but yet they didn`t call us. In fact they sent us home earlier that afternoon to `go shopping or rest`. Five hours later, she was gone. But then I also know that she is so much better off now and I shouldn`t be sad.
I cry for myself, not for her. I love you Mom.
Jane
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1-23-03
Happy anniversary mom. 21 months smober!!!!! What an accomplishment that is!!!! We love you and miss you terribly.
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2-9-03
MOOOOOMMMMM!!!! Make them go away. Tell them I don`t want to play anymore. (Sorry, Mom would understand this.) I am left with so much burden after Mom passed that it still drives me totally crazy even after a year. How can one family be so totally screwed up? How did Mom keep us together and still keep her sense of humor? I don`t know but I wish she were here to give me some advice and make it go away. My health is finally settling down - I wish the stress would. Final analysis of my heart is that it is fine, chest pains and resulting abnormal stress tests were from the severe anemia I was suffering from (hemoglobin of 8). Well, Mom, please keep an eye on Barb (Cynder) and if our Lord sees fit to bring her home you meet her. Okay? I love you. Jane
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2-24-03
Sorry I missed this anniversary. It is one anniversary I actually look forward to. Not too many of them that I do. The past week has been really good. Three GOOD things have happened to my family, of which I`m not used to. Nothing good ever seems to happen to us. Debbie has an offer of a really good paying job, my oldest son (who will make me a grandma in July) starts work tonight and he also had some serious legal problems that were solved with a lessor charge. THANK GOD!!!! Maybe for once things will go our way for a while.
Mom, I know you`re still watching over us, I still carry your pocket angel you left with me every where I go, but I still miss you SOOOOOOOOO much.
Aaron`s girlfriend`s dad has CANCER in his colon and in both lungs that they know of so far. They won`t do surgery but he`s scheduled to have chemo and radiation. I just wish God would take this horrible, horrible, disease away. Even the mention of it scares me to death anymore. I see little hope in it (although I do know of survivors). I know, if it`s God`s will, it will be done, but it still makes me made. I`m only human and I`ve seen so much in the past couple of years. Everyone please take care of themselves.
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3/23/03 -
23 months ago today, Mom quit smoking. After years and years and years of smoking (and several attempts at quitting), she quit. She held her quit through many trying times - the worst of which were her terminal diagnosis of cancer and 9/11. I think she was more upset when 9/11 happened than she was when the doctor told her she had less than 6 months to live. She was very upset when she called me that morning, but she told me she wasn`t upset for herself (because she knew she was dying and was going to a better place), but she was upset because of those whom she was leaving behind. Upset because she believed the terroists attacks of that day would lead to the what we are all facing today. War!!! My oldest son`s dad left Friday morning for Fort McCoy, WI. From there, he will be deployed to Kuwait. He`s in maintenance in the National Guard, but especially in light of today`s occurrances, we are very much worried about him and all of our other soldiers who are serving their country and us. Mom loved my ex a lot - she always thought of him as a son. I know that she would be very upset about these events. I offer a prayer for those who are serving and for those families who have already lost loved ones in this war. May God Bless America.
(((((I LOVE YOU MOM))))))
Jane
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4-25-03
OMG!!!! How could I have forgotten the most important anniversary of all. Everyone else remembered, but I totally forgot. I`m so sorry Mom and a big Congratulations from all of us. It wasn`t that we are forgetting about you - we never could. You covered me up the other night, didn`t you? I felt the covers slightly brush my arm and when I opened my eyes, no one was there. I knew you were tucking me in :)) I do think about you every day. I just get so wrapped up in everything!! You know me. Worry about this, worry about that. But I am proud of your quit and I still miss you terribly. You`ve been gone almost a year and a half and it still seems like last night at times. Tuck me in again tonight??? I love you.
Jane
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Sunday, May 11, 2002
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, MOM. We miss you so much. My husband and youngest son is taking me out to lunch and then we`re going bowling. I wish you were here to go with us. I know you`ll be with us in spirit (and in my pocket because I`ll carry the angel you left for each of us when you died), but it`s not the same. I miss you laughter and your jokes. You could always make us laugh. I need to laugh. I love you. Jane and family
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May 23, 2003
Happy Anniversary Mom!! We`re so proud of you and the legacy you carry on to this day.
On this Memorial Day Weekend, I would like to take this opportunity to remember those who have gone before us, especially those who have died from Cancer. Cancer is such a terrible disease and if anyone ever watched a loved one suffer and then die from cancer they should know what I mean. I would like to remember my beloved grandfather who died from complications of emphasyma as a result of smoking. Also, my cousin who, at the age of 39, died from throat cancer as a result of smoking. My aunt who died, just before my mom, as a result of smoking. And of course, my beloved mom. May she now rest in peace in the beautiful beyond where she continues to be smoke free.
I would also like to remember those in my family that are still suffering from cancer but have not passed as of yet - my cousin has malinoma throughout her body and also brain cancer (all as a result of smoking); my nephew`s dad has leuikemia (sp?) at the age of 38 (hendered by smoking); and my soon to be daughter-in-law`s dad has cancer with less than a year to live (as a result of smoking). PLEASE EVERYONE PLEASE STOP SMOKING. IT WILL KILL YOU!!!!!!! Jane
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6/23/03
25 months ago today you stopped smoking. Unbelievable!!! Where has the time gone? I miss you still so much to this day it hurts. They are honoring you at the bonfire tonight. Your memory is everlasting here in this wonderful world. But I would still rather have you here with us than where you are. Although, I know, you are a lot better off in Heaven. But I`m selfish and I need you. I need you to hold me, to tell me everything will be okay. I need your strength. I need your courage. I need your humor. I NEED YOU!!!! Be at peace, Mom. I wish I was. Love you always. Jane
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7/18/03
Some good news, Mom. You`re a great grandma for the first time!!!!! My first grandson, Liam Rockwell, was born tonight at 6:56 p.m. It was scarey because Jennifer had to have an emergency c-section, but it`s all right now. Everyone is fine. I just wish you were here and we both were able to fly out to Ohio and see the baby. You would have been so proud!!!! Aaron says the baby looks like Sammy when Sam was born except he has blue eyes. Remember how dark Sam`s eyes were?? Another good thing is that since Liam was born, Aaron has quit smoking. Thank God!!!!! He swore he would as soon as the baby was born and so far he seems to be okay with it. I hope he sticks with it. I hate for him to die the way you did.
I love you mom. Bye for now. Jane
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8/24/03
Hi Mom!!! This year has really been a rough one. I`ll be glad when it`s over. I miss you so much. I wish you were here to talk to. There`s no one left. I`m divorced now and have bought a house but can`t move in until October. It`s rough living in the same house with an ex!!!!! A lot of stress. I`ve decided to go to Ohio to see my grandson next weekend (Labor Day). I`m real excited about that. Scared of traveling alone, but better get used to it. I have to get use to doing things alone. I think of how you used to take walls out and hang dry wall and I`m thinking why can`t I do that. I probably could, but it`s easier and quicker to hirer someone. I wish I had your strength and your wisdon AND your sense of humor. I don`t laugh much any more. I love you mom. Talk to you later. Love you, Jane.
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9/1/03
Well, I`m back from Ohio - everything went smooth (except for getting lost around Indianapolis) and the grandbaby is great!!!! He`s so cute (and I`m not just saying that). It was really hard though because he stayed in my hotel room with me the first night we were there and at his 2:00a.m. feeding I felt my mom`s presence and told Liam - `Your greatgrandma would be so proud of you. She would have loved to hold you.` I could just see mom holding that baby. The feeling was so strong. Aaron has totally stopped smoking since the baby was born!!! I`m so proud of him and mom would have been proud too. Please everyone, stop smoking and stay that way. It only causes so much pain.
Love to all on the Q - Jane
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9/23/03 29 MONTHS SMOBER
Mom would have been smoke free for 29 months today. I am very proud of the way she quit in the face of death and then continued that quit even while she died. It wasn`t easy. There were times when she would have like to have given in, I`m sure, but she didn`t because she knew it would bring her life even closer to death and she WANTED TO LIVE!!!! She struggled to live and accomplish everything she wanted to do. She accomplished most of her goals. The lives of her children and grandchildren will never be the same without her even almost 2 years after her death. We are already starting to dread the holidays and the family reunion we attended the other day was not the same without Mom and her sister. If only they had chosen to quit sooner, or to never start smoking in the first place, what a difference our lives would be today!!! She would still be here, probably. Anyways, please don`t smoke if you haven`t started and if you have then for God`s sake - no, for YOUR SAKE and that of your family - stop smoking and keep the quit. It will save your life.
KTQ - Jane
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10/17/03
HAPPY 70th BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!
What a party you and the family must be having in Heaven!!!! I can just imagine the laughing and the singing as you, Dad, grandma, grandpa, Aunt Louise, Larry and the others gather for a joyful celebration. Wish I was there!!! I miss you. I Love You. Jane
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12/8/03
It`s hard to believe it`s been almost 2 years since you passed on, but Christmas is right around the corner. I was talking with someone the other day whose mother passed a few days before you and we were talking about how much the pain and grief is still so vivid. You would think that after 2 years it would ease a little, but it hasn`t. To watch you die the way you did......... Anyways, perhaps it`s because you passed during the holidays that makes it so hard to really let go of the saddness. I just know that this Christmas, even more so than last Christmas, will be one of the loneliest times of the year. I`m really looking foward to 2004. Love you mom. Jane
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12/21/03
Happy Birthday Grandma. Today would have been my grandmother`s birthday and we would have celebrated with a hugh party. But instead my mom (tillietoiler) and her mom (my grandmother) and various other family members are celebrating in heaven. What a party that must be. So many people I have known and know have and are dying from lung cancer. It is such a waste. A waste of time, a waste of life. If I could have one wish for Christmas it would be that this horrible addiction and the resulting disease would be stricken from this earth for good. On 12/27 we will remember our mom on 2 years her death. Even though we remember her daily, the date of her death is particularly hard to bear. Mary J. Merrey will always be loved by her family here on earth.
Peace be with you in the new year.
Jane
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12/31/03
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE ON THE Q!! From the family of Mary J. Merrey. We love and miss you mom.
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1/7/04
Oh Mom. It`s a sad day. A really sad day. I was taken in. You warned me and warned me not to be so nieve, but I was taken in all the same. I will take your advice, I will be more cautious, I will still love and care, but I will not get hurt again. The Q world has changed a bit, but the spirit will live on. Your spirit will live on in me. I love you mom and I miss you so terribly much. More now than ever.
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1/18/04
*~*At the Mansion of 1000 Steps (BONFIRE dedication)*~*
From Casey70 on 1/18/2004 6:04:35 PM

Hello friend. Glad you could make it this evening. That�s right, come right in. http://members.mailaka.net/rpacak/Grand_Staircase.htm
We�ve been waiting for you. Where are the chairs you ask and why the need for the velvet ropes blocking the foot of the stairs? Well, you see, tonight we�re expecting an unprecedented attendance for this �ascending of the staircase,� so it�s standing room only. The ropes are keeping our guest separate from everyone right now. This way she can stay comfortable and have some time alone to reflect. Plus, they�re helping to keep everyone back so each person has a decent view of the proceedings. Beautiful red ballroom gown she�s wearing, isn�t it? She looks like a southern belle. � I must say, you are right! The dress is the same color as the BBB uniform, though I think this material is more of a velvet than the standard flannel that is used for the pajamas. And, your eyes are good, too. Those are small triple B�s, mops, buckets, flames, and ceiling fans sewn into the hem of the dress as a decorative gold border. Anyway, now that you�re here we can begin. Please find yourself a spot.I need to go cue up the band.
In just moments, the jazz ensemble, a reproduction of the Count Basie Orchestra, strikes the first chord. Our guest gathers a handful of red velvet in each hand and lifts the dress a few inches from the floor, exposing her pretty red satin slippers and puts her right foot on the first step. The audience hushes, watching with wide eyes as she takes each step with obvious pride. Her head is held high, and those on the edges remark they can see her smiling lips move in sync with the words of the song that is being played�
Through the clouds, gray with years, over hill, wet with tears,
To a world young and free, we shall fly, follow me.
April green, everywhere, April songs always there,
Come and hear, come and see, follow me.
To the tree where our hopes hang high,
To the dream that should never die,
Where our long lost tomorrows still are in the sweet bye and bye.
Time goes by, or do we, close your eyes, and you`ll see
As we were, we can be, weep no more, follow me.
Follow me, follow me.
[musical interlude]
To the tree where our hopes hang high,
To the dream that should never die,
Where our long lost tomorrows still are in the sweet bye and bye.
Time goes by, or do we, close your eyes, and you`ll see
As we were, we can be, weep no more, follow me.
Follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me.
Get behind me, follow me.
(Recorded December 12, 1967, Hollywood, by Frank Sinatra)
She�s gracefully gliding up the steps, enjoying the moment and the music. The band plays another tune to aid her in the last bit of the ascension and, as before, she sings along...
Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me
Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you
(Fly me to the moon, Frank Sinatra, Writer(s): Howard)
Our lady in red has reached the top and walks over to the back wall. A golden cord hangs there. She pulls on it. The landing at top of the stairs becomes illuminated, and a cool breeze stirs the air around the crowd down below. We now see who our honored guest is: the one and only Tillietoiler, and we notice she has started a beautiful white and gold ceiling fan that had been added to the chandelier just for the evening. Her shoulders lightly shake as if she�s chuckling from a joke. With a huge smile on her face, a wave to the crowd and a wink to the band, her voice clearly resonates to the assembly:
You`ve gotta accent-tcu-ate the positive, eli-my-nate the negative,
Latch on to the affirmative, don`t mess with Mister In-between.
You gotta spread joy up to the maximum, bring gloom down to the minimum.
Have faith or pandemonium`s li`ble to walk upon the scene.
To illustrate my last remark, Jonah in the whale, Noah in the Ark,
What did theyou do just when everything looked so dark,
Man, they said we better
Accent-tchu-ate the positive, elim-my-nate the negative,
Latch on to the affirmative, don`t mess with Mister In-between,
Don`t mess with Mister In-between.
(Accentuate The Positive, Prime Artist: Frank Sinatra, Lyrics by: Johnny Mercer, Music by: Harold Arlen (b. Hyman Arluck), From the Film: Here Come The Waves 1944 (M) )
It is in honor of Mary Merrey, and the quit she was so proud she kept, that we light tonight�s Bonfire out on the front lawn of the mansion. The chefs and cabana boys and girls are around and a bar has been set up. A portable hot tub has been brought here for the occasion. For those of you who are experiencing the Bonfire for the first time, you may want to read its history at: http://www.geocities.com/purplkoala/tillietoiler/bonfire_history.html
This tradition, started by our own Q Angel, Mary (tillietoiler), has us getting together every evening to toss our un-smoked cigs and troubles onto the fire and visiting with friends. Since Mary`s passing, the fire has been tended by the Bonfire Brigade Babes/Bros, a.k.a BBBs, who have continued to light the fire not only in memory of Mary, who requested that we `KEEP IT CLEAN!,` but in celebration of everything that is good about the Q and having a smoke-free life! If you have yet to read Mary`s profile, follow this link:
http://www.geocities.com/purplkoala/tillietoiler/tillietoiler.html
Okay, let`s get this party started...
With the only lighter (a 22K gold one engraved with the words `IN LOVING MEMORY OF TILLIETOILER!`) that is allowed on Q Island, and here at the mansion for the evening, and which can only be used to light the bonfire, it is my pleasure to dump just over 35026 unsmoked cigs from Tillie�s being 1000 days, 17 hours, 55 minutes and 2 seconds smoke free and fire them up. And, in thanks to her for helping so many others and being such an inspiration here are my 8657 rusting coffin nails from my 433 days quit.
Casey
BBB
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2/23/04
34 months ago today you quit, Mom. I`m still so very proud of you for that. And it still amazes me that you continued your quit even after we found out you were going to die. Hell, that made me want to smoke but I knew if I did you would kill me. Aaron (the oldest grandchild and father to mom`s only great-grandson) is still smoke free. I`m so glad the baby was born. That made Aaron quit. Deb is still smoking and probably will until she joins you someday. I hope not. I can`t take watching another loved one die from cancer. Me, I`m doing okay. I still miss you and love you a lot. I know you`ve been with all of us the last couple of days and we think of you every day. Love you, Jane.
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3/17/04
Happy St. Patrick`s Day!!!! Today is my oldest son`s 21st birthday. What a day to turn 21!!!! I miss him though and can`t be with him. He lives in Ohio, some 900 miles away. But I`ll be with him in spirit. Also, 31 years ago today my grandfather (mom`s dad) died. I remember when Aaron was born, mom came in and said you don`t remember what today is do you? I looked at her like she was stupid or something. Of course I knew what the day was. My first child was born!!!!! And then she gently reminded me that it was 10 years ago to that day that grandpa had passed. I started crying. Tears of sadness and tears of joy. What a blessed memorial to my dear grandfather, to have a baby on the day that he passed. Now that the baby is grown, he looks so much like my grandpa at that age. It`s amazing. Luck of the Irish, perhaps???????? Keep the quit.
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4/23/04
- 3 years!!!!!!! Wow is that possible? It really hasn`t been that long has it???? It still seems like it was just yesterday that Mom was here. I still can feel her, smell her and hear her. Or maybe I just wish so much that I could, that I can. The power of wishful thinking maybe?!?!? I miss her terribly, especially on days like today. I wish I could call her. I think I`ll put her tape in that she was making before she died and listen to her singing. What a wonderful gift that tape is. I treasure it so much. If my house ever caught on fire (God forbid), and I could only save one thing (besides my child), I would grab that tape. Keep the quit everyone. Believe me you don`t want to leave your family in this much pain.
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May 9, 2004
Happy Mother`s Day Mom! I love you so much and I miss you terribly. Mother`s Day is a day to show your Mom how much you love and respect her, yet you`re not here for me to show that to. It is so unfair and I am so depressed. My life is on a downhill path and I feel helpless and hopeless to change it. I just wish my kids could and would show me today that they love me and respect me like I do you. Oh well, it`s not going to happen so I might as well accept it. I just wish you were here for me to talk to. I just don`t have anyone anymore and I am so tired of being lonely, of being afraid. Well, enough about my problems. I know that at least you are in Heaven, celebrating Mother`s Day with Grandma and you are both laughing and enjoying each others company. I love you, MOM.
Love, Deb
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May 27, 2004 -
It was a rough night last night. I couldn`t sleep. Had terrible dreams about mom and watched her die all over again. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Debbie was the lucky one this week. She got a visit from mom the night before her birthday which was on May 24th. Debbie said she had just layed down to go to sleep and wasn`t very happy because of her birthday and other things going on, and all of a sudden she could hear mom singing happy birthday to her and then she could smell Angel Food cake which is what mom always baked for Deb`s birthday!!!! Debbie just started crying and couldn`t stop for hours. I wish I had had a visit instead of the terrible dream, but I guess Deb`s the one who needed it this week. Keep the quit everyone. This pain just doesn`t stop!!!
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June 3, 2004 -
I did get a visit from mom!!!! I was sitting in my little boys room, the bedroom window was opened, and a strong smell of peppermint surrounded me. Unless my pine trees in the yard smell like peppermint then I can`t explain it except to say that my mom was beside me. She loved the little round red and white mints!!!!! She sucked on them all of the time. Thanks mom. You made my day!!! Jane
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June 13, 2004.
Dan, my brother, lost his pocket angel that mom left to each of us 3 kids and every grandchild. He was so upset. Debbie`s has been gone off and on for over a year. It`ll disappear and then show back up. So I contacted ((((Denise)))) (withoutmerit) who helped mom get the original angels and she went to the shop where she had gotten them over 2 1/2 years ago. There were 3 left!!!! She got all of them and is sending them to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Denise. We all love you.
Jane
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7/23/04
I love you mom!! Congratulations on #39. I couldn`t be more proud!!! Jane
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8/27/04
A lot has been going on. My nephew`s dad died at the age of 38 from leukemia. That was very sad. Joe hasn`t taken it very well. He`s only 18. Of course he`s probably a little scared too thinking that it could happen to him. I remember feeling my mortality when mom died. I`m next in line, I thought. Debbie`s going to be a grandma now!!! Mom is rolling over laughing so hard!!! She couldn`t wait until the day Debbie`s daughter put her through the same stuff Debbie put mom through and now that day is here!!! Mom is laughing so hard, I can see her. Otherwise, life is going on. Still miss mom terribly. Love you always, Mom. Jane
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September 23, 2004
Happy 41 months anniversary mom. Man this is unreal!!!! Has it really been that long? The bonfire is still going and it is amazing to see the tradition carried on in your memory. People on the Q are so wonderful!!!! I just wish you could be here with us doing the bonfire yourself instead of it being a tribute to you. I remember you calling me on 9/11/01 after the first plane crashed into the twin towers. You said `I`m not afraid of what`s going to happen to me. I`ll be gone. I`m afraid for those who are going to be left and have to deal with things that I know will come.` You never were afraid or at least never showed that you were (at least not to me). Why didn`t you let me know how you really felt? Debbie says she saw you cry, but I never did. Maybe I was too busy crying for myself and you felt like I couldn`t handle it. For that, I`m sorry. I wish I could really talk to you about what you went through and what you were going through at that time. I was being soooo selfish. But, then, here it is almost 3 years after your death and I`m still having a hard time dealing with it. I still feel so guilty for what happened to you and maybe I should have done something different. Well, enough of that. Congratulations on #41, as dayupper says. Love you. Jane
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October 17, 2004
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MOM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!
WE LOVE YOU!!!!
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November 24, 2004
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It is really going to be a hard time for me. I was supposed to go to Ohio to be with my oldest son and his family, but the snow started today and I guess maybe I`m getting old, but I chickened out and decided not to drive the 9 hours to get there. SOOOO, I`ll be spending Thanksgiving by myself, with no family around, except my youngest son and ex husband, for the first time since I can remember. My sister had already made plans because I wasn`t going to be here and so had my brother and his family. Oh, well. I`ll just make the best of it. Maybe use the time to get caught up on some of the things I`ve been meaning to do. It`ll be fine. Mom will be with me. Happy Thanksgiving!!! Jane
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12/17/04
I would really like to post something positive on here for once!!! But everytime I think about doing that, then something else bad happens. This week alone, I`ve lost 2 friends from cancer. I`m a scout leader and one of `my boys`, his grandfather died last Saturday from cancer because of smoking. Today, my oldest son`s girlfriend was called home because her 47 year old dad is dying from cancer. She probably won`t make it in time because she has to drive 3 hours. God I hate this disease! I hate smoking! I was really looking forward to a peaceful Christmas, but noooo. I did have a good Thanksgiving after all. We went sledding on Thanksgiving and I didn`t have to cook!! That was really nice and not what I expected how I would feel. Maybe Christmas will be okay after all. Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, today is a gift, that`s why it`s called the `present`. Take care, everyone. Jane

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